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Hoss_TBF
hoss_tbf
11 March 2009 @ 10:21 am
He's baaaaaack  
It's been a while since I've posted, but I hope you'll find it was worth the wait.  I played a long session on UB tonight with Phil Hellmuth and another player, turnthecaroff.  Frankly, I'm not sure that Phil could win if the cards fell his way.  They didn't.

PHILHELLMUTH: but now I'm going to punich weakness



PHILHELLMUTH: and your over plays will get me even


PHILHELLMUTH: OVER PLAYS!!!!!!!!!!


PHILHELLMUTH: OP!!


PHILHELLMUTH: what a joke

 

as he says this, we are dealt a hand where it goes cutoff raise, phil rr the button, i call in bb, co calls

flop comes KK8, phil and i cap, other guy folds

turn is a 2--i bet, phil raises, i rr, phil . . . folds


HOSS_TBF: OVERPLAYS!

PHILHELLMUTH: U or me?

PHILHELLMUTH: I had 7-7

HOSS_TBF: guess that answers that question

PHILHELLMUTH: U called 3 cold

PHILHELLMUTH: in BB

PHILHELLMUTH: OP

PHILHELLMUTH: OP

PHILHELLMUTH: I luv U guys keep it up

 

PHILHELLMUTH: crunk would have 30k less if deck broke even


HOSS_TBF: phil you'd have 8 million less if deck broke even


TURNTHECAROFF: true story


PHILHELLMUTH: u morons cannot even play LH right, how U gonna beat

 

we then play a hand where the flop is jt6, we cap the flop, phil bets and i raise turn

river is a 6, phil checks, i check my J5 behind

he shows 96o for trips

 

HOSS_TBF: phil you see what i check behind last hand when you make 666

PHILHELLMUTH: U such a moron I make those checks everyday

PHILHELLMUTH: tons of times

HOSS_TBF: but i do them while actually playing well

 


PHILHELLMUTH: raise and bet every street


PHILHELLMUTH: what a joke


PHILHELLMUTH: this ***cin moron turn firing OP MF



PHILHELLMUTH: OP everyhand


PHILHELLMUTH: **** 


PHILHELLMUTH: brutal


PHILHELLMUTH: I never hit vs the moron


PHILHELLMUTH: fuyck

f
PHILHELLMUTH: RWGHwwshnjEDTYuj


PHILHELLMUTH: 35WR


PHILHELLMUTH: AE


PHILHELLMUTH: G


PHILHELLMUTH: GRT


PHILHELLMUTH: GHR
PHILHELLMUTH: TH


PHILHELLMUTH: RT


PHILHELLMUTH: ETY


PHILHELLMUTH: NJ
PHILHELLMUTH: DTYY


PHILHELLMUTH: ******* op IDUIOT



PHILHELLMUTH: wtyf


HOSS_TBF: there is a program called mavis beacon teaches typing which 

HOSS_TBF: i found very useful and you may as well


 


PHILHELLMUTH: i SIT AND PLAY SUPER GITH AND MORON PLAYS EVERYHAND AND\


PHILHELLMUTH: STILL WINS EVERTY POT

PHILHELLMUTH: **** YU    2


PHILHELLMUTH: ER


PHILHELLMUTH: THI ISNT POKER


PHILHELLMUTH: wheres the math??????????????????


PHILHELLMUTH: this isn't aupposed to happen

HOSS_TBF: phil, this is sincere: maybe you should do your breathing

HOSS_TBF: exercises

HOSS_TBF: i honestly do not want you to have another panic attack

PHILHELLMUTH: I really should

PHILHELLMUTH: I might

HOSS_TBF: you are a nice guy

PHILHELLMUTH: but I ran four miles and feel great

PHILHELLMUTH: but U right I do need to settle down

PHILHELLMUTH: just beat after beats seems unbleieavbel

PHILHELLMUTH: steamed me up way too much

PHILHELLMUTH: I prob need meds, never takin em before though

 

 

PHILHELLMUTH: wtf sick


PHILHELLMUTH: coolers and ****


HOSS_TBF: QJ vs 88 J on flop is really a cooler?

(Phil capped the flop, raised the turn and bet the river with 88)

 


PHILHELLMUTH: what U thionk>?


HOSS_TBF: i think it's a coinflip


PHILHELLMUTH: rreverse flops I scoop[ em both with BEST hand as usual


PHILHELLMUTH: BEST hand syndrome I have


PHILHELLMUTH: made me millions


HOSS_TBF: instead you lost both with worst hand?


HOSS_TBF: i wonder if they gave out anti-bracelets


HOSS_TBF: how many you would have


PHILHELLMUTH: yeah


PHILHELLMUTH: what a joke


HOSS_TBF: OP?


PHILHELLMUTH: moron gets every raise in when tiny favorite


PHILHELLMUTH: pathtetic play

PHILHELLMUTH: U horrible

PHILHELLMUTH: KK for me

PHILHELLMUTH: nice 3 bet

PHILHELLMUTH: this is ridiculous

PHILHELLMUTH: 6-5 vs KK

PHILHELLMUTH: y'all are so awful I feel like ****

HOSS_TBF: you're a silly goose

PHILHELLMUTH: how the **** U guys get away with it?

PHILHELLMUTH: why U three bet with 6-5?

PHILHELLMUTH: OK

PHILHELLMUTH: U wanna play bad so be it

PHILHELLMUTH: Ill play even tighter

HOSS_TBF: sweet heavens xmas has come early

PHILHELLMUTH: In guess I wouldn't have deca millions without bad players

HOSS_TBF: sure you would

HOSS_TBF: but you wouldn't have the millions without television

PHILHELLMUTH: time to pay

PHILHELLMUTH: U guys almost took my spirit with those moronic moves

PHILHELLMUTH: but then I rmembered

PHILHELLMUTH: lol

PHILHELLMUTH: wow U two are special

PHILHELLMUTH: U have no pride

PHILHELLMUTH: thats why I win

PHILHELLMUTH: U did it again man well done

PHILHELLMUTH: QQ AK beat

 

 

we then play a pot where i have Tc9c, and flop open-ended straight flush draw:  jc 8c 4h, we cap the flop, i checkraise blank turn, river is another blank, i bet, phil calls, shows KTo for the win with K high

PHILHELLMUTH: cause you just another OP

PHILHELLMUTH: cause you don't deserve it

 

TURNTHECAROFF: whos worse phil me or hoss?

PHILHELLMUTH: obs hoss is worse

TURNTHECAROFF: hahahahahaahhaha

PHILHELLMUTH: but you have gotten away with murder

PHILHELLMUTH: its like hoss tryinmg to lose

TURNTHECAROFF: ]hahahahahaha

PHILHELLMUTH: I give U zero action hoss

PHILHELLMUTH: and U still take ace rag and win every pot

PHILHELLMUTH: U beat my QQ and my AK

PHILHELLMUTH: and U hit mirca;ces

PHILHELLMUTH: ALL THAT, and I will beat you for 200K by end of year PROMIS

PHILHELLMUTH: cause you just another OP

PHILHELLMUTH: 66k in front of U, PEEEUUUU sir

PHILHELLMUTH: its semlls bad from ehre

PHILHELLMUTH: zero acrton from me

PHILHELLMUTH: wow how tilted are U man?

PHILHELLMUTH: what a sucker

PHILHELLMUTH: plqys every single pot

PHILHELLMUTH:  and pays off like a slot machine

TURNTHECAROFF: lolololol

HOSS_TBF: *exactly* like a slot machine

PHILHELLMUTH: opay

PHILHELLMUTH: pay

(i've boldfaced the best line of the night)

 

PHILHELLMUTH: no way


PHILHELLMUTH: what a ****** night


PHILHELLMUTH: thats OK


PHILHELLMUTH: just keep up the OP suckers

PHILHELLMUTH: wow look at these beats u put on  m,e


PHILHELLMUTH: I dont understand


PHILHELLMUTH: I play only AJ's and


PHILHELLMUTH: and U guys saw them up with A-9s


PHILHELLMUTH: I should have 50k right now


 

HOSS_TBF: maybe if you started with 200k
 . . .

 

PHILHELLMUTH: no action we see if u hit your hands son


PHILHELLMUTH: Im a folding machine


PHILHELLMUTH: then i stick U!!!


PHILHELLMUTH: this is such BS


PHILHELLMUTH: ****


PHILHELLMUTH: I let you dummys go off


PHILHELLMUTH: and play every hand like a moron


PHILHELLMUTH: and I'm losing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


PHILHELLMUTH: sick



PHILHELLMUTH: fold folf fold


PHILHELLMUTH: I fold every button


PHILHELLMUTH: and every small blind


PHILHELLMUTH: and then U morons beat A-J


PHILHELLMUTH: or AK


PHILHELLMUTH: makes me sick U have no patience, no game

 

 

now we play a hand where i open the button with TT, it gets 4-bet back to me with phil in the big blind, flop 872, phil and i cap, other guy folds

turn is a 9, phil checkraises and i call down. i win when phil shows A9, he then says . . .

PHILHELLMUTH: so sick

PHILHELLMUTH: I sit here on the sideleines folding

PHILHELLMUTH: like an 11 time champion

PHILHELLMUTH: and y'all just get lucky

 

TURNTHECAROFF: folding folding folding

TURNTHECAROFF: finally he picks up the 3RD BEST HAND in a 3way pot

PHILHELLMUTH: Im waiting for my 50k run, gonna happen quick as bad as y'al

PHILHELLMUTH: OP hands

PHILHELLMUTH: i'll win so quick its scary

PHILHELLMUTH: are you ****** kidding me

PHILHELLMUTH: yeah I got colleed

TURNTHECAROFF: you were drawing 2 3 outs the whole hand phil

PHILHELLMUTH: cooler agauin and again

PHILHELLMUTH: yes dummy, ace has to hit when I slow play preflop?

PHILHELLMUTH: it came for me to lose max

TURNTHECAROFF: keep slow playin those ace rags phil

 

PHILHELLMUTH: here we go

PHILHELLMUTH: thast right run me over lol

PHILHELLMUTH: roflol

PHILHELLMUTH: some sick stuff boys, but my turn coming

PHILHELLMUTH: when i win 50k str8 are u gonna tell me how lucky I am?

PHILHELLMUTH: wow this so brutal

PHILHELLMUTH: monkey

HOSS_TBF: I'M THE MONKEY!?

PHILHELLMUTH: U are so bad its scary

PHILHELLMUTH: but the deck saved U so far

PHILHELLMUTH: never seen a guy win with 10-4 off suit more than you

HOSS_TBF: i prefer the term "10-4 doublesuited"

HOSS_TBF: and that's because you LIMP ACES (and check back the flop)

PHILHELLMUTH: lol

PHILHELLMUTH: wtf

PHILHELLMUTH: wow value bet a three to the river

PHILHELLMUTH: moron

PHILHELLMUTH: moron

PHILHELLMUTH: lol'

PHILHELLMUTH: I eman wow

PHILHELLMUTH: wow

 

PHILHELLMUTH: U make a lot of good checks vs me hoss

PHILHELLMUTH: I better have em look at this session, security

PHILHELLMUTH: well, U either totally outdrew me all night or U bluffed a F

PHILHELLMUTH: few

PHILHELLMUTH: I saw a bunch of yiour hands when I had ace high and U won e

PHILHELLMUTH: m all

PHILHELLMUTH: VNH

TURNTHECAROFF: i can see the steam phil

TURNTHECAROFF: lol

PHILHELLMUTH: Idont steam against bad pl,ayers

TURNTHECAROFF: who on this site would you call a good player phil?

 

PHILHELLMUTH: wow amazing

PHILHELLMUTH: hoss Im having scurity review this session first time ever

PHILHELLMUTH: thats the truth

TURNTHECAROFF: lololl

PHILHELLMUTH: hoss is playing well vs me

TURNTHECAROFF: wp hoss

TURNTHECAROFF: he is supposedly a great player phil

PHILHELLMUTH: U morons beat AQ KQ KJ and more in the last few minutes alon

PHILHELLMUTH: **** this

PHILHELLMUTH: gadwr

PHILHELLMUTH: \q4th6

PHILHELLMUTH: how in fusk hell

PHILHELLMUTH: do you get away with this ****

TURNTHECAROFF: LOLOLOL

PHILHELLMUTH: one of the most brutal sessions of my life

PHILHELLMUTH: cause I stayed strong

PHILHELLMUTH: and showed top rate hands all night

TURNTHECAROFF: hahhaha

PHILHELLMUTH: wow every hand I get ****ed

PHILHELLMUTH: well Im going to fight back

PHILHELLMUTH: wow all night olong same ****

PHILHELLMUTH: U do win the max but U will lose the mqax as well soon

PHILHELLMUTH: WP

 

TURNTHECAROFF: you really playing your heart out phil

 

PHILHELLMUTH: You ******* moron

PHILHELLMUTH: and i cannot hit a pair and flush draw vs you

TURNTHECAROFF: i dont mind being a moron with ALL YOUR MONIES

PHILHELLMUTH: ******* idiot

PHILHELLMUTH: how long that gonna last?

TURNTHECAROFF: nh

PHILHELLMUTH: even if you get me tonight, I'll show you the nuts all year

PHILHELLMUTH: I mean wow

HOSS_TBF: you'll see them, too

HOSS_TBF: cause it'll go check check check check check check

 

PHILHELLMUTH: OK no more chat from me

 

PHILHELLMUTH: sure just **** me over hand after hand

PHILHELLMUTH: this isn't funny anymore

PHILHELLMUTH: Im gonna enjoy my revenge

PHILHELLMUTH: lol

PHILHELLMUTH: I had KJ

PHILHELLMUTH: lol

TURNTHECAROFF: hilarious phil

PHILHELLMUTH: yes they found a queen for ya'll

PHILHELLMUTH: congrats this is my biggest loss in two years playing online

PHILHELLMUTH: Limit holdem

 



 
42 comments | Leave a comment
 
( 42 comments — Post a new comment )
walterzuey[info]walterzuey on March 11th, 2009 02:36 pm (UTC)
Advice for Phil
rcfox: russ barge 2001 looking down[info]rcfox on March 11th, 2009 03:10 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I need good humor this time of year.
adbploink[info]adbploink on March 11th, 2009 03:13 pm (UTC)
Absolute gold. My favourite non-bolded:

PHILHELLMUTH: I should have 50k right now

HOSS_TBF: maybe if you started with 200k
 . . .
stevecohen[info]stevecohen on March 11th, 2009 03:24 pm (UTC)
That was classic, but:

HOSS_TBF: *exactly* like a slot machine

Was clearly the line of the night.

Funny - I had the same session Phil had yesterday (but without playing like a moron, and at smaller stakes, of course) and all I said was "nh sir, well played" over and over and over and over and over again.

Debbie N.[info]wild_irises on March 19th, 2009 10:20 pm (UTC)
No, the Mavis Beacon line is the best of the nonbolded lines. But it's a close call.
Andrew Hime[info]andrewhime on March 11th, 2009 03:49 pm (UTC)
HOSS_TBF: you're a silly goose

Comedy gold.

Also, he's turning you over to security? Nice. Goodbye UB account!
(Anonymous) on March 11th, 2009 03:55 pm (UTC)
Yay for anti-bracelets!
Tom Bayes[info]tom_bayes on March 11th, 2009 04:01 pm (UTC)
Does Phil post videos of himself going on tilt like Matusow was doing for a while?

Seriously, Phil sounds like the whiny old rocks that I play low-stakes draw and deuce-to-seven lowball with who get mad if you raise, draw a card, and beat them.
David[info]freelikebeer on March 11th, 2009 05:05 pm (UTC)
Turnthecaroff couldn't have laid it on with: "ALL YOUR MOBNEYS" Boo! Hisss!
(Anonymous) on March 11th, 2009 06:00 pm (UTC)
how
did you get a cold deck in the game?
samskp[info]samskp on March 11th, 2009 06:12 pm (UTC)
Very entertaining!
[info]smalltalkdan on March 11th, 2009 07:28 pm (UTC)
Am I the only one who is a little surprised that UB hasn't stepped in and shut Phil up here? I can tell you for certain I would have done so at PokerStars (and in fact did several times). I thought the "security" comment was probably even more damaging than anything else he might have said, though.

...dan
missakr[info]missakr on March 11th, 2009 07:34 pm (UTC)
first livejournal blog I read...
and obv I made the right decision in joining live journal. lololol. I don't think you know quite how happy this entire thing makes me (unless you watched Gavin's 2004 WSOP episode) (btw this is Kristen)
Joey★[info]joeycore on March 11th, 2009 08:04 pm (UTC)
Wow that is epic! So unprofessional! I love the fact there's the other guy chiming in every now and then, provoking him. You are so calm, with some good responses. +1 on the slot machine :)
captaino[info]captaino on March 11th, 2009 08:09 pm (UTC)
I thought "sweet heavens xmas has come early" was the best line, but there were a lot to choose from. Thanks for my best laugh so far today.
Steve Brecher[info]brec on March 11th, 2009 11:59 pm (UTC)
I liked
i prefer the term "10-4 doublesuited"
best.
(Anonymous) on March 12th, 2009 09:11 pm (UTC)
awesome
Matt,

Thank you so much for sharing, this is hilarious. One question, when Phil keeps saying "OP". Is it a "jopke" reference, or he's calling you two overpowered or something? I used to be a big Hellmuth fan, but his continued arrogance and the honest retelling of stories like yours make me realize what a mistake that was. He's a jopke.
(Anonymous) on March 13th, 2009 07:42 pm (UTC)
Re: awesome
OP = Over played
Hoss_TBF[info]hoss_tbf on March 14th, 2009 08:50 pm (UTC)
Re: awesome
I think most of us have been Phil fans at some point in our poker experiences--and there's nothing wrong with being his fan! I think the real issue is that to some degree we like to deify our heroes and I think in Phil's case, he bought into his own hype. So by all means be his fan, just don't let it obfuscate your view of the total package :-)
(Anonymous) on March 18th, 2009 09:19 pm (UTC)
Haha. I liked that one too. This is just hillarious.

In all seriousness though Phil needs to calm down or he's going to have a breakdown.
Patti[info]whipartist on March 12th, 2009 01:35 am (UTC)
I have to wonder if he wakes up the next morning feeling profoundly embarrassed about his behavior... the poker equivalent of, "I drank what?" I'm guessing not.
(Anonymous) on March 12th, 2009 10:01 am (UTC)
adioqier
who is this hoss idiot? and why does he think he's funny?
stevecohen[info]stevecohen on March 12th, 2009 01:24 pm (UTC)
Re: adioqier
who is this hoss idiot?

He's probably one of the top-10 short-handed limit hold-em players on the planet.

and why does he think he's funny?

Because he *so* is.

Perhaps he can give you both poker and humor lessons Mr. Hellmuth.


yarffaJ nalA[info]jnala on March 12th, 2009 07:36 pm (UTC)
From his blog the next morning:

"Why should I have any negativity in my life at all? I am already super super positive, but why not kick it up another notch? The "New Phil" will try his hardest to never berate another player again. It hurts them, and it hurts me when I get that emotional."

I think "profound lack of self-awareness" describes it better.
(Anonymous) on March 12th, 2009 04:04 pm (UTC)
Phil Hellmouth is doing a great PR job for Ultimatebet....!!!!
Michael E. Sullivan[info]michaelsullivan on March 12th, 2009 09:15 pm (UTC)
I don't get how he can be this bad and win anything. Can you really be good enough to win 11 bracelets without seeming to have the first clue how to adjust to short-handed play? I'm aware that you don't have to be *that* good to win 10 bracelets if you play every event, but even that low standard seems high.

Is he this bad all the time, or just steaming like crazy? If he really plays three hand limit like this, I feel like I could play him and win -- with you as the third. And I'm not very good.

The most amazing thing to me is how you tell him exactly what is wrong with his game ("cause it'll go check check check check check"), and he is too focused on his own epeen to pay any attention whatsoever.
(Anonymous) on March 13th, 2009 08:42 am (UTC)
Thats a bit unfair on Phil H. CCash game limit is totally different from NL hold them tourney plays. The mechanics for making dessisions patterns is also totally different. Helmuth is deffo one of the greqatest players the world have seen, but ONLY in tourney NL games. In every cash game, expesially in limit and/or mixed games, hes average, and would have problems beating a 5-10 game. Hes major problem is lack of selfawarness enough to understand this fact. The fact hes the only +5 braclett winner that won all bracelets in same game should maby be a wake up call...but oh noo...not for mr. poker king.
Michael E. Sullivan[info]michaelsullivan on March 16th, 2009 11:43 am (UTC)
But this is my point. His record is such that even if he's been ridiculously lucky, he's got to be at least close to the level of top players in NLHE if not one of them. I just don't understand how you can get that good at one game with poker fundamentals as weak as are being displayed here.

griff98199[info]griff98199 on March 13th, 2009 04:13 am (UTC)
I love how his solution to losing in a 3 handed limit hold 'em game is to "tighten up" and only play AJ or better. That'll win the dough Phil. My top 3 lines from the night:

1. "Maybe if you started with 200k"
2. "Exactly like a slot machine"
3. The anti-bracelet thing.


Gavin
[info]oscarmc on March 13th, 2009 02:52 pm (UTC)
Have you seen this yet its on 2+2.

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch?e=20090313044801487
clint_murphy[info]clint_murphy on March 15th, 2009 01:52 am (UTC)
That was clutch!
!
joepro[info]joepro on March 14th, 2009 03:17 pm (UTC)
OMG hoss, thank you, thank you, thank you. That is some pure comedy. I was wondering if hellmuth had a kid banging on his keyboard when you came up with the suggestion he take typing lessons. Amazing!

Also, my fav non-hoss line was

"TURNTHECAROFF: keep slow playin those ace rags phil"

GREAT STUFF!
(Anonymous) on March 14th, 2009 04:17 pm (UTC)
Full tilt
Wasn't Phil part of the full tilt's cheating scandal with the "super accounts"? Hes probally never had the security checked cause he and his friends were the ones cheating. Can't believe he has nerve to call other players cheats because hes losing, maybe this year he will think that everyone at the world series is cheating, after he gets knocked out!
(Anonymous) on March 20th, 2009 06:09 pm (UTC)
Re: Full tilt
It wasn't Full Tilt, it was Ultimate Bet (the site they're playing on now). Which raises two questions: 1, Why would he even mention the word "security" on a site that's guilty of knowingly stealing millions upon millions of dollars from their players (let alone re-sign this year to continue representing them); and 2, Why would someone like hoss_tbf continue to play there?

-dontknower
(Anonymous) on March 21st, 2009 06:50 pm (UTC)
Re: Full tilt
Hoss is where the fish is.
Phil has done a lot at poker but he is not top level player, not even in NL Holdem let aside the other games.
It's probably rare to catch as weak player as him at the high limit LHE.
(Anonymous) on May 2nd, 2009 11:07 pm (UTC)
Phil and Ultimate bet
God, what a baby this guy is. he needs to bring some tissue with him to the table. lets see, he is calling security cause he is losing...but when he won a hand but supposedly an error on UB,...you didnt see him crying for security then. Phil must want security to check why he did not win or why the computer program did not allow him to win that night. Phil and UB are just a bunch of thieves and cry baby girls.
Tell Phil to meet me in a ring and ill show him what crying is all about! I have grown tired of this baby and his antics. It is time for him to go away, and have his chat banned for his constant harrassment of other players. but wait, UB wnt do that to a crying star.
Phil...Just go away.
stevebrogan[info]stevebrogan on March 14th, 2009 08:41 pm (UTC)
PH's rant
Thanks for sharing. Some things never change. Phil being Phil. At least he was not curled up on the floor like on TV. Or maybe he was?
(Anonymous) on March 19th, 2009 09:44 pm (UTC)
phil needs a slap
spoiled, mouthy rich kid who never got a deserved punch in the face. somebody needs to put him in his place....for his own good, seriously
(Anonymous) on March 30th, 2009 05:17 pm (UTC)

PHILHELLMUTH: I fold every button

PHILHELLMUTH: and every small blind

Pretty sure this is mathematically proven to be optimal strategy.
(Anonymous) on April 9th, 2009 11:29 am (UTC)
Hoss,watching your scoop 14 final table,congrats,btw,pay your maid some extra today for cleaning your messy kitchen!!
(no subject) - [info]frightfuggaw on August 6th, 2009 05:30 pm (UTC) Expand
(Anonymous) on October 14th, 2009 06:45 pm (UTC)
that's poker
gee phil! go play chess if you can't handle bad beats. and for the record, it's not a cooler, it's a coinflip!
fav line:
HOSS_TBF: there is a program called mavis beacon teaches typing which 

HOSS_TBF: i found very useful and you may as well